Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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