I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize
