The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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