adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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