God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
