There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
