All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
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