The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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