is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
