Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
