My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
