I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
