This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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