: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
