Where did you get a picture of my penis
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Randomize
