dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Randomize
