If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Randomize
