I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
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