I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
