i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
