I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
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