Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
