i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
