I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
