just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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