If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
