I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
