dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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