i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
