If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Randomize
