who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
