Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
