His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
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