One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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