you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
