so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
