There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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