nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
