my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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