You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
