I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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