I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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