The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
