Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Randomize
