I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
