K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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