just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
