Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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