the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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