i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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