News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Randomize
