Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
