My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
