he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
