The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
