Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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