I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
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