i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
My ass is underappreciated
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
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