did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
