I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Randomize
