Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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