i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
