That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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