seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
