I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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